Monday, December 8, 2008


There's been many times I start writing my opinions regarding news stories that I've read and find myself never really publishing them. The reason for this is frankly one: Judgemental. I feel its a biased comment and in fact turns into something I'm judging, which turns into me not walking in that person's shoes...which in turn sounds judgemental...which is something I gave up doing a long time ago.

I will never say that I've never judged but frankly there are just certain things I no longer have a word about because I realized the more I was against something, the more it creeped into my life to tell me MADE me walk in their shoes. Now I listen and at times I share my opinion, my dislikes or likes but never let my opinion decide who I am friends with and who I'm not. Of course there are your extreme circumstances like child molestors...I would never be their least not knowingly.

Life can be full of drama and lets face it, it would be boring without it. Lately I've been too easy to give up...sometimes I don't know how much fight in me I have left. I've never chosen my battles wisely so I'm stuck just swinging in the air with no will. I've always fought for my friendships, my relationships...myself...and I've been left tired. So frankly speaking, when something doesn't go right, sometimes its best for me to just abandon it.

I never looked at a friendship as having something to have to work for. For me, it just came naturally. There have been times in the past where I've stopped talking to people only to talk to them again years later...wondering how we let time pass...then when it happens again, you think...oh yeah, that's why. Its hard not to argue a point and not feel bitter afterwards but if you're friends that taste should go away quick. What makes the best friend? That one's a tough one. I've had BF's in my time and many of them have betrayed that friendship. Even so, I tried to continue it, forgive them...because hey, we're friends and that's what's important...but its its a matter of 'you hurt my feelings-you've projected your own insecurities on to me-you've made me doubt myself' and now maybe it was best that you had stayed away. It sounds harsh...I feel horrible saying it, because friendship is truly important to keeps me a float, helps me ground myself when all else feels like an oblivian, helps me cry on someone's shoulders....

Of all the complexities in life, the least of it should come from your friends. The best ones know what they've done wrong and right it...the best ones are non-judgemental BUT I believe we all have the right to our opinion...whatever the choices are in this life we should have the support of our friends and family. Of course I'm not talking extreme here...this doesn't apply to something that may endanger your life or your health.

There are so many meanings of friendship but one I found to be poetic: The answer to what is the meaning of friendship lies within our hearts, because true friendship can only be felt, and not expressed. Something so pure and essential is not always visible to the eye, but is felt by the heart.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Can't Complain

How are you Susie? Aw...can't complain....

How many times do you hear that? I hear it plenty and I say it myself on occassion. Who ever made that up needs a slap in the face because you know CAN complain. I hate it when people minimize your pain by pointing out that other people have it worse than you. Not only are you not being supportive, now you're just making me feel like shit for feeling like shit! Sure I'm having a hard time buying groceries but shit I could be homeless...I guess that could make me feel better but guess what? Been there, done that.

Be a friend, recognize my pain and help me through it...don't think that by comparing me to someone else's pain will make me feel better about my own.

Its good to let it out, its good to feel like you can talk to someone about your problems, about your struggles...about your pain. But remember ONE thing: Return the favor. Just as there are people to hear you out, don't forget to help them in their time of need. We all need good friends, few...and rare.

Sure there are people who all they do is that case all you can do is RUNAWAY! I'm joking. Complainers can bring negative charges in their lives as well as spill it along to others that they complain to. You can't help people who don't help have to tread around them carefully...let them know they have to finally take control of what ailes them or they'll just drown in their own misery and end up alone.

When someone tells me they can't complain, I always say: Yes you can.
Every once in a while its healthy and then realize that things will get better.

Bad energy out...good energy in ;)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Trinity Church in NYC

I was invited to go to Trinity Church to see the US Army Choir and strings....I was blown away! What an amazing group of people and listening the the strings was like watching a movie with great music. I had the opportunity to sit next to my new friend, Colonel Baggio. He's a great guy, has a nice family and lives out in DC. He had his formal Army suit on so I felt special sitting besides him. At one point in the concert they sang a song called: Last Letter Home. I looked over at the Colonel and he was fighting back tears...I was already choked up...the letter was converted into song and as I heard it and as I watched the Colonel wipe away some tears all I kept thinking of was his family and how many lives are lost in war. And after seeing pictures of his kids, I could just feel what he must've been feeling. I'd like to post a copy of that letter pay tribute!

Last Letter Home
Text by U.S. Army tank Crewman Pfc. Jesse A. Givens - who died on May 1, 2003 when his tank crashed and fell into a canal off the Euphrates River...trapped inside the tank he died. The letter was to be given to his wife to be opened on the event of his death...

I searched all my life for a dream and I found it in you. I would like to think that I made a positive difference in your lives. I will never be able to make up for the bad. I am so sorry. The happiest moments in my life all deal with my little family. I will always have with me the small moments we all shared. The moments when you quit taking life so serious and smiled. The sounds of a beautiful boy's laughter or the simple nudge of a baby unborn. You will never know how complete you have made me. You opened my eyes to a world I never dreamed existed.

Dakota, you are more son than I could ever ask for. You have a big beautiful heart. I will always be there in our park when you dream, so we can still play. I hope someday you will have a son like mine. I love you Toad. I will always be there with you. I'll be in the sun, shadows, dreams, and joys of your life.

Bean, I never got to see you but I know in my heart you are beautiful.

I have never been so blessed as I was on the day I met Melissa Dawn Benfield. You are my Angel, soulmate, wife, lover and best friend. I am so sorry. I did not want to have to write this letter. There is so much more I need to say, so much more I need to share. A lifetime's worth. I married you for a million lifetimes. That's how long I will be with you.

Do me one favor. After you tuck the children in, give them hugs and kisses from me. Go outside and look at the stars, and count them. Don't forget to smile.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Pretty People

I heard the other day that there was a group of women trying to raise money for Casey Anthony, the woman believed to have killed her daughter and had not reported her missing until forced to do so by her mother one month later. I'm no professional reporter or a detective but I tried to research her case on line, had read the timelines, listened to audio files (911 calls & jailhouse calls), listened to interviews (english and spanish) and tried to read anything I could about what "really" happened. After all this, I have to say, I believe she is guilty! Nothing adds up but again, I'm basing my opinion on what was available to me. But I'm not really writing about her...per say...I'm writing about looks and how they can play in the media...and perhaps everyone else.

If she looked like an old witchy hag...would there be a group of women wanting her out of prison? I mean if they had heard this ugly old bitch had murdered her 2 year old and kept lying about what happened to her daughter...would they say she was 'innocent'? It reminds me of a case a long time ago, where a battered woman was accused of "standing" by and letting her husband kill their adopted daughter...I don't recall there being any sympathy for her, perhaps because she wasn't that pretty. We lash out at how evil she had to have been to let that happen...but I wonder if she was this beautiful thing...would have we been more sympathetic?

How about Scott Peterson? Honestly, he's not a bad looking man but he's an evil incarnate. He's a foul man that should never see the light of day....that said...there are women out there that write him letters, want to communicate with this a**hole. Do they think that if they were with him that would NEVER happen to them? What a bunch of dimwits! If he were an ugly f*%k no one would want to talk to him.

It blows my mind the pull beauty has on so many levels in the media....from death to missing persons, if you're not beautiful your story will get lost in the shuffle. Take a look at all the stories out hear that a beauty has been kidnapped or killed is what fables are written about and makes for a great tale...especially if there's a happy ending. Not to say that the victims don't deserve any sympathy, a death is a death and violence is not biased.

Sometimes I feel that we excuse people who are pretty, like Debra Lafave who had sex with her student (he was 14). Personally I wouldn't have cared what she looked like, I would've just kicked her a** for sleeping with my son! Ok...maybe not excuse it but it sure seems that pretty people can sometimes get away with murder (except for that jerk Drew Peterson...ugly and free).

That's my mind is wondering right now...too many stimuli's around me at the moment...damn that TMZ show!

Friday, November 7, 2008

Old and New

This is the original spot where I began to write and once I've left I didn't think I would come back...but here I am, back to the root of me. I've written many things at my 'other' place but one that I really liked is the one I will post below. I write about everything from my feelings to things I just make up...creativity in my soul :) I welcome comments but please don't make me cry...I'm very sensitive (or I can have your head on a plate...that works sometimes...LOL). I'm also sorta an Alfred Hitchcock kinda person I noticed...I write and then I post...but I don't go back to read it for mistakes so I'm sure if there's a word that doesn't make probably doesn't belong (one of these things is not like the others...I have ADD).

So here old to my new:

Original Title: Relationships

There's a lot going on around me, with me and near me. The big news right now: Madonna and Guy Ritchie. The headlines: Giving up on their marriage. You're damned if you stay, damned if you go.
We all want a silver lining, we all want to marry and hope for the best...some of us are more optimistic...we'll marry and know that it will be a happily ever after. Some of us find that making a marriage work takes a little something from us...its when that little something becomes your soul and then *poof* you don't know who you are anymore. The laughters turn to tears and the smiles turn to frowns. ..
We all have our line in the sand, I think the problem is when you keep moving that line...until the line is no more. How much are you willing to sacrifice to keep your marriage together? How much of yourself are you willing to lose?
Sure, relationships take effort, take time, they become a part of who you are and can make you the happiest person alive. It can bring out the best in you, the worst and make you do things you never thought you would...ah LOVE!
Sometimes love is not enough...its something you realize when you get older but once you've accepted that...what then?
I was watching the Tyra Show today and they had a couple who have an open relationship. There were people there who had their opinions...I had my own and I realized that polygamy is all around us...some of us are even in one, without really knowing it. So the next time you have an opinion on something...make sure its not in your house first.
There are some couples we root for and others we hope would just leave each other. There are some people who would leave at the drop of a hat and others that would bear a cross for many years before finally giving up. There's no real receipe for relationships but there is a foundation that without it you can't build the life you want with the person you love. You have to have your own 'rules', bend or break them you might just be selling your soul to the devil.
Remember a few things...remember what makes you happy...remember who you are...remember that not everyday will be full of rainbows and flowers...remember to be realistic, to care, to love, to respect, to honor, to cherish, to feel like an equal partner, to be open, to listen, to be there when someone needs you, to hug, to cry, to let it out...remember that love is not enough...
The one thing to remember...the most important thing to that when it all falls apart or at the happiest moment in your will always have your friends and family there with you!