Counting It Down

It's amazing to me how time truly does fly by. I read my New Year's blog to see if anything had really changed since then...heartbreakingly enough, it really had not. There were a few tweaks here and there, but I don't feel I made that 'big' difference I thought I would've done by now. Perhaps the burst of energy I had had in the beginning of the year was a false sense of hope that things may turn out better; instead it turned out to be a sign that the burst was to be short lived.

2009...what can I say about it...but DAMN! What a rough year it was for me, lots and lots of struggles. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as other people and for that I am grateful but my struggles are my own and that is my cross to bare. I really need to take a moment and just absorb the year...what has it really taught me? If I didn't learn one lesson this year then shame on me! Reading my old blog was a bit depressing because there was so much I wanted to do...so much I didn't change....

But not everything was terrible. I've met some pretty amazing people who are almost like teachers to me...giving me inspiration and hopes that I can still accomplish things, believe in my 'dreams'. I've re-connected with so many of my old friends, I feel so over joyed and blessed; getting to 're-know' them has been a very sweet experience. I've made some new friends who have touched my heart and have opened me up to new experiences. I'm creating memories that will last for a lifetime. I'm always hoping that I mean something to them as much as they do to me... And that being said, I've also decided to let go of those that are clearly no longer in my life. I amaze myself sometimes, mourning those who are still alive but no longer treat me with the same love that I once had for them. I know people are busy but some you just don't hear one peep from...and they slowly just drift away. Perhaps evaluating friendships would be a waste of time...and maybe it's just easier to just let those people just fade away into the night like a sinking ship with criminals on board...*sigh* I will be more vigilant who I let into my life...I think I'm too nice a person, naive at best and sometimes people take advantage of that and my friendship means so much more than that.

My family is without saying, the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I don't say much about it because I don't believe I need to. The glory is for me to cherish, for me to enjoy and I don't need anyone to agree or disagree with me on this and I don't feel I should validate what I know deep in my heart that I would take a bullet for my boys...or a knife...or a comet...you get what I'm saying.

My hopes for 2010 are the same hopes I had last year except maybe this year, I'll actually do something about it. I'm feeling positive and hopeful that I will be able to accomplish so many things I've put off for so long. I feel that things don't happen because they aren't supposed to...when its right, its right and I will be ready, capable to manage it. I have so many aspirations for the new year and I truly believe that what I have planned will happen because when I put my mind to something, I usually get it...and that my friends is positive thinking! Two things that I want to make more prominent in my life is laughter and spirituality. They are the two most things that will most likely get me through anything.

Another thing I would hope for is the best for those I love and those that are the closest to me. I would hope that this year would bring them the change and the love they've been searching for and so deserve. And if things aren't coming your way....open your mind to the possibilities and don't limit yourself to the tiniest detail that will build the walls of your own self destruction. Be free! Love YOU! Love your life! Every once in a while, I find something amazing on the planet and focus on that...admiring the wonders of what it is, how it came to be, why its there and nothing else matters, for that one moment....I feel I'm at the greatest peace. Whether it's a sunset, a rainbow, the breeze through some trees...anything natural, pure...it just takes my breathe away and I feel energized...its life's natural high. If you've never done it...try it...you never know what feelings it can lead to.

So for this year, I say thank you for giving me time to marinate the lessons in my soul, the growth of the person I aim to be, the darkness in order to see the light. And goodbye to mistakes, heartaches and struggles...for I know that there will be some in the new year; I cannot grow as a human being without them...just hoping for a little less of them.

Are you ready for me 2010 because I'm damn sure ready for you!

Can't Believe the Time

I can't believe I haven't written in so long. I was so into trying to write and of course, never follow through. It just seems to be my motto...I have all the intensions, but those intensions can't write a blog.

I've had a lot of ups and downs this year...mostly downs...mostly financial and a lot of work disappointments. I decided to just use what I have and make it work until I can come up with something better. I don't like the way things are right now and I believe that greater things will come...and that will happen only if I can make that change. It won't change for me...

Another big thing I'm planning on working on is my weight...this trip to Florida has been the biggest eye opener of all. I realized that I love to be active...but it's pretty hard to do that when your body can't function the way you want it to...and those rides...they don't come in XXL and that's not fun and exciting at all. I'm planning on doing a video blog and posting it on youtube. Now, if you know me...this is the most horrific thing I could do for myself...post MYSELF up on this site where everyone can see me and perhaps say things that will most likely drive me to drink...I can't even look at myself in pictures, let alone watch myself in a video blog...but I'm still working that out...its not written in stone just yet. I just want to be able to prove that I can do it and help anyone else along the way with their feelings. The worst feeling to have is to feel like you're all alone in a battle so great.

Writing: that's something else too. I'm going to force myself to write. There's so many great stories I want to tell...and who knows...maybe I can even sell something. To make money from a hobby would be a dream come true.

Well, I'm off to think of what I'm going to do...to change me...to improve me...make myself healthy and look good while doing it!

A New Year, A New Slate

I had a moment of inspiration today and a burst of positive energy...and then it went away. Somehow, I managed to bring it back, although it was sort of a whisper this time. I realized that I'm a good talker, so many ideas, so many things to say that sound right, sound good and I realized something else...I'm not so much a doer, as I am the talker. I also realized that I have choices to make and for once in my life I need to stop complaining. 2 big deals to realize: Choices and Action, I finally need to make the choices to realize my actions and make them what I need to make them in order to make myself whole again. Does that make sense? I thought about New Year's Resolutions and said to myself that I wouldn't do that to myself...because I never fall through with them. I also realized that I have to stop complaining and just make a choice...and finally STICK to it! Action!! I need to make a change...I need to take ACTION! When it all boils down to things, I am the only one that can truly fulfill my quest, to finally realize my passions, my dreams and just take care of me.

This is the start of my new slate...to make things better...make things come alive, not only in my mind but in my soul. I need to take charge, take responsibility of my own life and make it all it could be. Why has it taken me so long to realize this? Maybe its the age....maybe I've finally had an epiphany...maybe I've finally opened my eyes...man its tough to be in life's coma sometimes...tough to feel like you haven't lived.

Believe it or not, you make choices everyday...whether its picking the right outfit for work, or staying in a relationship you hate...you've made that choice. Don't ever think you don't have that option...your free will...it leads you to roads you may not like, but you can always take a different turn, you can always start over. I was thinking of how people can be enslaved for so many years and on the day of freedom...some don't want it...because it is unfamiliar...because being enslaved is all you've ever known...what will you do now?? But for some, that freedom is your doorway to all that is possible, to all that can change your life, to living as you should...rip off the chains and have faith that when you jump off that cliff, something will be there to save you.

What is my new slate? My new slate is my improved me...I'll seek my purpose, I'll laugh a little more, I will lose this extra person I have and love myself a little bit better, I'll write my fantasies, I'll bathe in moment, because everyday that I open my eyes, it is a new gift given to me to be able to spread my wings a little further. I'll cherish my dreams, follow my heart and give something back to the world...Remembering why people are put in our paths and use that information to better our lives. Some people leave this world but mark us for life...we have to honor that memory, cherish that purpose and be grateful for the souls we take care of now.

I seek knowledge everyday...I yearn for purpose...I fear no evil...I cherish my family...............

I am thankful for a new day, a new challenge, grateful that I am alive, lucky to have a new slate.

Have a Happy New Year...and may your dreams find you!