Monday, December 27, 2010

My Thoughts Expanded

I kept thinking about what I wrote in my last blog Losing My Religion. I wrote it fairly quickly so I feel a lot of it is rushed through but I sincerely feel that way. Maybe it's just the science in me...I don't know. When someone says: God made it that way... it makes me think; what if he really did? I have faith, don't get me wrong, I do. I believe there are things that cannot be explained, the feelings that spirituality brings into your life and that some souls can wander aimlessly not knowing they are dead...YES, I do believe.

I don't think you can have it both ways...God makes and then destroys... He's great and he's bad? I was, in a way, taught to fear HIM. I was told that if I didn't go to church he would punish me. I'm sure that wasn't the case...although now that I think about it, did she mean like I'll go to hell when I die if I don't go to church? Ouch mom... I joke. But I know that she just wanted me to go to church and so I did, for many years. I did the retreats, the church plays, choir, the youth groups and I even taught religious instructions...yes, ME...I was a teacher at the age of 16. I did it all and now here I am... churchless but still a believer in a power no one can describe and no one will ever be able to comprehend. I don't believe any man on earth can explain exactly what God can or cannot do... so this is where faith steps in... we need it for hope, to uplift, sometimes to help us understand why things happen, why a loved one has been taken from us....

Let me scratch that last statement... You CAN have it both ways... the good and the evil and you know why? Because everything on this earth needs to have a balance... one cannot survive without the other... think about it and you tell me if that's not true. Everything has a purpose, a meaning, whether we know of it or not... and for this, I find life incredible... right down to the structuring of our DNA, our bodies...our brain.

I don't knock anyone of their religious beliefs... I just don't believe you should put them on others unless it is asked of you. Wars have been fought over religion....the main thing that is supposed to keep us sane and humble, kind to others and compassionate....

God is my Zeus... an untouchable...

Like I said... something like faith and religion is unexplainable. I can only express my opinion on my feelings, what I see, read, hear... What is GOD to me? That's another blog, at another time....

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Losing My Religion

When I was 10 years old, I told my mother I no longer believed in God. My mother, being a devout Catholic, was really upset with me. I don't remember what brought me to that moment but I was angry at God and believed that he couldn't exist if I was so unhappy. My father, the man who would only step into a church to take pictures of weddings or baptisms, was the one that spoke to me, convinced me that there was a God and because of this, the man who had no faith, I believed once again.

In time though, I lost my way... not that I really mean it that way because what I had lost was a type of respect towards my church and eventually, I lost faith. I'm sure you ask in what way did I lose respect... it was the Catholic religion I lost faith in. As a woman, I felt no respect from them. No women were priests, no women served in mass and when I went to church after having my son out of wedlock, the nun I had high respect towards looked at me practically crossed eyed when I told her I was not married. So, if I had had an abortion I would've gone to the "life" and unmarried...hell again. Damned if I do, Damned if I do.

There was a time in my life that I found a spiritual growth in my I had never tapped into but I knew was always there... and frankly, I loved and embraced it. I was never good with rules, limitations and so feeling this new found spiritual reality was a breath of fresh air. In time, I ended up losing that too but slowly I'm bringing it back into my life and I started to realize a lot of things I hadn't realized before...comparisons and things that I believe now make some kind of sense to me.

What do I believe... Would you hate me if I said that I don't believe there is one God for everyone? I believe that we all have a type of "army" of angels, guides, protectors...put them all together and add get your God. I believe that the God is YOU. YOU are your own lord, your own salvation, your strength, your are your own powerful being. Everyone is their own majestic God. And I believe that these angels and guides and protectors have their one true being who can never be touched by a human...he is the ultimate umbrella of protection to those that protect you spiritually. When I hear someone say, 'I'll leave it in God's hands', you can't just role over and do nothing and feel like HE will come and save you or expect that he's going to intervene with something. You have the power to make the difference in your own life, you are the one that can change things and when things don't work out...that's when I believe that your army has a plan you may not understand at the moment but will reveal itself to you in time. I'm probably sounding like a crazed lunatic but I have more...

The Bible... I believe it's a book of moral stories, a book of 'teachers' guide to life, a type of proverbs to help you on your way to more happier life here on our living hell. I can't believe you can take the stories said in the bible as complete truths...I can't believe that Noah's Arc held that many animals or that Moses lived to be 300 years old...and if you really think about it, incest would be ok and men can have as many wives as he wants...think about that for a minute. There are lots of great stories in there that we can relate to and sometimes I feel like it's a book that already had predictions of the future or at least knows that not one person will go through things alone. One passage I like: God helps those who help themselves. You can't do anything in life if YOU don't make it happen...that's a fact and the faith and confidence you have in yourself is what makes you YOU. God created man in his own image...that would be YOU. I don't believe that the bible should hold a bunch of people hostage to making sure that they are good people and they will all go to heaven for following and if you don't follow it, you'll go to hell. I guess it's sort of right...if you don't take someone's good advice, you may end up regretting mistakes but isn't that what life is all about? Making mistakes and being able to learn from it without having a bunch of people judge you for it... The mistake is your hell...learning from it is your heaven.

I believe in energy, positive and negative. If you're in a church full of positive people, you thrive off of it...the same would be if you had those people in your house, or if you just surround yourself with happy people. The same goes for the negative... And when someone is in need of prayers... I don't like to say that I would pray for them, because I don't...I will however send positive energy and thoughts and maybe even chant or write up a spell to help those in need...for me, its the equivalent of praying.

I once saw on the news a woman talking about her house, which did not get hit by an airplane but her neighbors house did. She said that God was looking out for her that day.... apparently, God was too busy looking out for her that he must've forgot to look out for her neighbor... this bothered me. Did God really single out that woman...choose her life over someone else's??

I believe when things happen, it's part of a design...we all have a map and there are just some things we cannot change, so we end up trusting that these instances happen for a reason and we have to accept it, knowing that these events change us to become a better person or even a more sympathetic person. I can't explain violence... Sometimes I think that when there is a tragedy, it's like our own modern day Jesus. Someone has been sacrificed in order for us to realize that we have to make changes, create laws to protect the remind us that we must fight the evil that is around us all the time.

There's probably a lot more I can say but this has been a really long one for me...maybe a little to unorganized but hopefully I was able to express my views in an understandable way.

As for me and my life and my struggles...I've come to the realization that my 'army' is cleaning my slate and that these incidents happened for a reason. They're giving me a second chance...and I hope not to disappoint.

(I John 5:4) 4 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world: your faith.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Down & Out

Nothing beats feeling depressed...quite nothing. I'm no longer employed, my car hasn't worked in over a month, my allergies have been out of control and my eyes are constantly tearing with bouts of redness. I look about 20 years older than I should and I no longer have the drive to do anything. Horrible...I know!! I've been through something like this... well... no, can't say that I have actually, can't say I've been through anything like this before. It's taken a toll on me...ashamed that I can't tell people how I've failed myself and my family... I didn't quit... I was let go... and I should've left that place a year ago, now, I have nothing.

I've been sad, yes...struggling, yes...and I can't seem to get out of it. I get these small spurts of inspiration, excitements that don't last long enough for me to thrive on. I guess it's ok though, I guess it's normal...

I know that this is my time to find out what I'm really made of, my time to do everything I said I'd do and for about 45% of it, I have. But the rest of me feels so empty, so tired and so alone. I don't feel like anyone understands my struggles, my feeling of failure, my darkness...

What's wrong me, I ask! Snap out of it, I say! My time will come but I have to make the effort of moving that time's not just going to fall into my lap. Everything takes work, everything takes effort and everything is the way it is for a is sending me a message and I have to figure it out, I have to decipher it, either through dreams or just in reality but I have to do it soon...TIME waits for NOONE.

So, how to do go about looking for a dream that's up in the attic covered in dust? Stupid question...I already know it's in the attic...just need to wipe off the dust and make it reveal itself to me. What will it tell me? What will it say? Opening my heart to the possibilities is scary, almost paralyzing...what if I fail again? I'm so afraid... so afraid of failing... BUT it would be worse to never try, to never know what my abilities were, to never have had the success for myself.

Down & out...but not yet over...

Monday, November 22, 2010


I am my biggest road block. I don't know why I do it to myself. I can't seem to find the answer to this troublesome barrier. Why do I do this to myself? What the hell am I so afraid of? I paralyze myself and I just don't know how to get out of it. Could it be my ADD? Is it the fact that I'm easily distracted the reason for such non faith...such non inspiration? I am truly lost...

All I ever wanted was to create, live a dream, be successful...but I doubt my own abilities. Sometimes I wonder; would I have had a different path if I was raised with someone believing in me...would I be doing what I love to do, if only my parents had told me that I could do anything?

I know it's too late for something like that, too late for the pep talks...too late for a lot of things. I always think: If only I can catch a break...if only I can get my foot in the door!! At one point I thought I did and I thought I had met some people who would care enough to mentor me but they their own lives, their own struggles...their own fame...they don't have time for little old ME. I'm a spec in their lives of hustling and I am but a mere distraction. If I ever make it to where I want to be, I vow to pay it forward. I would not let any pedestal get in the way of someone reaching out to me.

I need to fill my soul with belief and I need to believe that I have's been too long since I've lost myself and I think it's time that see me for who I am, for what I can do, the things I can accomplish. I believe that I can make a difference in this world and I don't dream small... my dreams are dreams can be amazing.

Friday, April 23, 2010

GoodBye Baby

I was thinking about being a victim when that 80s freestyle song popped in my head: Goodbye baby so goodbye, I know it won't be easy, cause you leave me, a Victim of Love, a Victim of Love.

And today, of all days, I've noticed that yes...I've been a victim of many things and it's not just the stolen side mirrors of my car, no, that's not quite it but a victim of many things that maybe one day I will tell you about. Once you've become a victim of something, it never leaves you. It's like a bad dream some days and others it's just tucked nicely away in the back of your mind. Every once in a while it'll make an appearance and shatter your soul but you learn to cope, brush things off and just move on. But other days, you feel it, the loneliness, the sadness...the unrelating feeling of immobility and then you're a victim all over again. You start pulling away, hiding in your own self haven shell and hope that this feeling will pass quicker than the other days you had to deal with. And the more you feel like you can cope...the more you're just fooling yourself because when the day comes that something goes wrong, your whole world just shatters.

For the most part, I think I'm a pretty strong person. I've survived a lot, things you can not imagine, things you may not comprehend and I don't think I would ever change that because its made me the person I am today. But...that comes with a price. With this strength, comes the balance of a greater weakness and a sadness that will never leave me. But the question is: Can you let it go?

It's become such a part of me that no matter what I do, how successful I want to become or how happy I may seem...this deep, dark sadness will always be with me, as a reminder that I am a survivor. My problem is dealing with situations that bring out the Victim in me. It's so easy for me at times to come out and say how I feel but that very certain moment that something happens, something that I can't really change, I become paralyzed, immobile...a vegetable. I become a victim all over's the ONE thing, I can't seem to control. What an awful awful feeling it is....

I wish I could just bring out this other person in me...the one that can stand up for herself when she should...the one that won't take the bullshit. There are some people that I am in awe of...when they talk about standing up for themselves, when they deal head on with the bullshit...purely in AWE and I can I become more like you?

I don't want to be someone else...I just want to be me but I feel I have been tainted forever, that the me I should've been died so many years ago and this person that's sitting in front of this computer is a person that I still need to know and she has so much to learn. When the moments are there...the world is against her, what could it possibly be that would make this life treat her the way it does, punch after punch after punch...after a start to fall...and it feels so good to just lie there, close your eyes and make this life not want you easy to just give soothing is a moment of peace.

But I can't just roll over and die...I can't let things beat me down, kill what's left of my mentality, my soul, my spirit...........I won't let them take it from me...but God! the feeling of sadness can be overwhelming...the feeling that you are not worth anything is powerful sometimes, sometimes.......................sometimes....

Yes, I am a survivor and giving up is not an option. I just have to deal with my momentary feeling of despair, the short term Victim, the person that's in hiding...

Just need to stop for a moment and get my head out of the sand...stop...listen....cope...continue. It's just a momentary thing...tomorrow I may just be the me, I was meant to be.