Monday, December 28, 2009

Counting It Down

It's amazing to me how time truly does fly by. I read my New Year's blog to see if anything had really changed since then...heartbreakingly enough, it really had not. There were a few tweaks here and there, but I don't feel I made that 'big' difference I thought I would've done by now. Perhaps the burst of energy I had had in the beginning of the year was a false sense of hope that things may turn out better; instead it turned out to be a sign that the burst was to be short lived.

2009...what can I say about it...but DAMN! What a rough year it was for me, lots and lots of struggles. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as other people and for that I am grateful but my struggles are my own and that is my cross to bare. I really need to take a moment and just absorb the year...what has it really taught me? If I didn't learn one lesson this year then shame on me! Reading my old blog was a bit depressing because there was so much I wanted to much I didn't change....

But not everything was terrible. I've met some pretty amazing people who are almost like teachers to me inspiration and hopes that I can still accomplish things, believe in my 'dreams'. I've re-connected with so many of my old friends, I feel so over joyed and blessed; getting to 're-know' them has been a very sweet experience. I've made some new friends who have touched my heart and have opened me up to new experiences. I'm creating memories that will last for a lifetime. I'm always hoping that I mean something to them as much as they do to me... And that being said, I've also decided to let go of those that are clearly no longer in my life. I amaze myself sometimes, mourning those who are still alive but no longer treat me with the same love that I once had for them. I know people are busy but some you just don't hear one peep from...and they slowly just drift away. Perhaps evaluating friendships would be a waste of time...and maybe it's just easier to just let those people just fade away into the night like a sinking ship with criminals on board...*sigh* I will be more vigilant who I let into my life...I think I'm too nice a person, naive at best and sometimes people take advantage of that and my friendship means so much more than that.

My family is without saying, the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I don't say much about it because I don't believe I need to. The glory is for me to cherish, for me to enjoy and I don't need anyone to agree or disagree with me on this and I don't feel I should validate what I know deep in my heart that I would take a bullet for my boys...or a knife...or a get what I'm saying.

My hopes for 2010 are the same hopes I had last year except maybe this year, I'll actually do something about it. I'm feeling positive and hopeful that I will be able to accomplish so many things I've put off for so long. I feel that things don't happen because they aren't supposed to...when its right, its right and I will be ready, capable to manage it. I have so many aspirations for the new year and I truly believe that what I have planned will happen because when I put my mind to something, I usually get it...and that my friends is positive thinking! Two things that I want to make more prominent in my life is laughter and spirituality. They are the two most things that will most likely get me through anything.

Another thing I would hope for is the best for those I love and those that are the closest to me. I would hope that this year would bring them the change and the love they've been searching for and so deserve. And if things aren't coming your your mind to the possibilities and don't limit yourself to the tiniest detail that will build the walls of your own self destruction. Be free! Love YOU! Love your life! Every once in a while, I find something amazing on the planet and focus on that...admiring the wonders of what it is, how it came to be, why its there and nothing else matters, for that one moment....I feel I'm at the greatest peace. Whether it's a sunset, a rainbow, the breeze through some trees...anything natural, just takes my breathe away and I feel energized...its life's natural high. If you've never done it...try never know what feelings it can lead to.

So for this year, I say thank you for giving me time to marinate the lessons in my soul, the growth of the person I aim to be, the darkness in order to see the light. And goodbye to mistakes, heartaches and struggles...for I know that there will be some in the new year; I cannot grow as a human being without them...just hoping for a little less of them.

Are you ready for me 2010 because I'm damn sure ready for you!