Down & Out

Nothing beats feeling depressed...quite nothing. I'm no longer employed, my car hasn't worked in over a month, my allergies have been out of control and my eyes are constantly tearing with bouts of redness. I look about 20 years older than I should and I no longer have the drive to do anything. Horrible...I know!! I've been through something like this... well... no, can't say that I have actually, can't say I've been through anything like this before. It's taken a toll on me...ashamed that I can't tell people how I've failed myself and my family... I didn't quit... I was let go... and I should've left that place a year ago, now, I have nothing.

I've been sad, yes...struggling, yes...and I can't seem to get out of it. I get these small spurts of inspiration, excitements that don't last long enough for me to thrive on. I guess it's ok though, I guess it's normal...

I know that this is my time to find out what I'm really made of, my time to do everything I said I'd do and for about 45% of it, I have. But the rest of me feels so empty, so tired and so alone. I don't feel like anyone understands my struggles, my feeling of failure, my darkness...

What's wrong me, I ask! Snap out of it, I say! My time will come but I have to make the effort of moving that time along...it's not just going to fall into my lap. Everything takes work, everything takes effort and everything is the way it is for a reason....life is sending me a message and I have to figure it out, I have to decipher it, either through dreams or just in reality but I have to do it soon...TIME waits for NOONE.

So, how to do go about looking for a dream that's up in the attic covered in dust? Stupid question...I already know it's in the attic...just need to wipe off the dust and make it reveal itself to me. What will it tell me? What will it say? Opening my heart to the possibilities is scary, almost paralyzing...what if I fail again? I'm so afraid... so afraid of failing... BUT it would be worse to never try, to never know what my abilities were, to never have had the success for myself.

Down & out...but not yet over...

Believing

I am my biggest road block. I don't know why I do it to myself. I can't seem to find the answer to this troublesome barrier. Why do I do this to myself? What the hell am I so afraid of? I paralyze myself and I just don't know how to get out of it. Could it be my ADD? Is it the fact that I'm easily distracted the reason for such non faith...such non inspiration? I am truly lost...

All I ever wanted was to create, live a dream, be successful...but I doubt my own abilities. Sometimes I wonder; would I have had a different path if I was raised with someone believing in me...would I be doing what I love to do, if only my parents had told me that I could do anything?

I know it's too late for something like that, too late for the pep talks...too late for a lot of things. I always think: If only I can catch a break...if only I can get my foot in the door!! At one point I thought I did and I thought I had met some people who would care enough to mentor me but they their own lives, their own struggles...their own fame...they don't have time for little old ME. I'm a spec in their lives of hustling and I am but a mere distraction. If I ever make it to where I want to be, I vow to pay it forward. I would not let any pedestal get in the way of someone reaching out to me.

I need to fill my soul with belief and I need to believe that I have faith...it's been too long since I've lost myself and I think it's time that see me for who I am, for what I can do, the things I can accomplish. I believe that I can make a difference in this world and I don't dream small... my dreams are enormous...my dreams can be amazing.