Thursday, January 6, 2011

A Question Was Asked: What If

I had a friend today ask on a social networking status: Ever Wonder, What if?

I have a huge opinion on it but being that I don't want to sound like an insensitive jerk, I tamed my comment to her and was pretty blown away by the other comments.

On one hand, someone said: I went back and am better for it. Sometimes u have to see for urself to get the thoughts in ur head resolved. And then someone else said: All the Time.

I have to disagree, maybe with about 90% of it. To be fair, this was my comment and then response to that:

ME: I would think that's two separate things, resolution and wondering what could have been. I think you make peace with one and just flat out torture yourself with the other. I know we wonder but I think it should be a fleeting moment and not let it consume you... I think it becomes paralyzing. 

RESPONSE: Agreed if its a fleeting thought. However, if it does consume ur thoughts and progression thru life. Then go find out first hand if its worth all that time, frustration, and devotion. If it ends up being not worth it, then at least its laid to rest and u can move on.

ME: I see what your saying. I guess I never thought of it as something that you can actually go back to and find out... I've always thought about it as something you couldn't change but if you can go back and make it work, then maybe it's something to test out.

I find nothing satisfying with going back into time and finding out what could have been. I use to do that all the time, seriously and it ended up driving me into the pits of depression (I was more prone to that back then...I have my reasons!). But honestly, I never thought that it was healthy, thinking of this all the time. There's a passage in the bible (I'm not religious but you can check out my blog called Losing My Religion to understand why I would write this passage), that says, Lot's wife was told not to look back and she did so, turning into salt.  I believe this to be true... I believe that turning back will just make things worse for you, I believe that it will halt your progression with the future and you'll make it a habit becoming still in time. 

What would make my statement just ludicrous? I suppose that would depend... if we're talking relationships... yeah... I can't seem to make a good point of how going back can benefit you in any way... WAIT WAIT, that's not entirely how I meant it. 

I'm sticking to WHAT IF'S, because going back is something different to me, that has a different benefit. Quickly, the difference: What if is something that happened and you wish to go back into time to change it, therefore changing the outcome to what your present might be........ Going back is thinking of what happened, making peace with it and making sure it's either not repeated or simply forgiving and forgetting (that may be another blog). I'm talking relationship here... not so much any kind of traumatic experience because that's a whole other level. Confused... not me... hahaha

Ok, let's see... Relationships. What if! What if we were still together? How would our lives be now? Good question... now, do you re-live it (what if) OR do you go back (and make peace with what is not)?  If you think about something like this ALL THE TIME, my god, is it just not terrible if it would've been really amazing and awesome and you TOTALLY missed out?? Shame, that you will NEVER know this, unless you have a time machine, which you don't... The only way to truly know a WHAT IF, is if you can go back in time at the very moment you can pinpoint THE decision that had changed the course of your relationship... because let's face it... it ended for a reason! 

I remember one time, just sitting in a chair thinking: what if I said this, what if I said that, what if I didn't wear those jeans then that man wouldn't have said something, what if I didn't have that brown lipstick that guy would've talked to me...what if I had bigger breasts? Ok.... in that case, the possibility is there, I can get implants and ... never mind!

You get what I'm saying. I'm not trying to put down anyone's feelings on why they would think about the What If's, it's normal to do so. I just don't find it healthy by any means to do it all the time. If you go by the response above: find out first hand... how can you do that really and truly? The only thing you can do, and I'm speaking purely relationshipwise, is that you would ask that person you are 'what iffing' about to give your coupling a second chance BUT be aware that you won't ever know if this would've been a continuation of the first time or because now things are different and you both have grown. This "finding out" thing is strictly based on you picking up from a different point in time. Do you get what I'm saying? She uses the words "going back", that's NOT a What If. 

Can you 'go back' and see if the guy you once loved wants to have another go at it? Of course you can, that is not a what if. 

I saw a promo for a show called "What If"... I refused to watch it. You know why? Because the probability of something amazing coming out of that was really great and the torture of knowing that it can NEVER be was too much to bare. And this was absolutely, 100% guaranteed that it could never be (unless you start talking about alternate universes... AND that my friends, would be a WHOLE other blog), because the what if's were: What if Martin Luther King and JFK were never murdered? Those are big ones... and maybe a different type of what if.... If we decide to go beyond boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and talk about other things like: what if my dad didn't pass away? What if my uncle didn't turn to drugs and die? What if I would've never walked through that dark alley way that night? What if I would've tried to kill myself? 

Like I said before... what if's should not be thought about all the time, shouldn't be harbored in your every day... you shouldn't need to feel the need to punish yourself for decisions you could've made or torture yourself with a life you'll never know of. It's true that sometimes you need to take 2 steps back but make sure you take 3 steps forward... don't stay back there and get lost in the darkness. See it for what it is and be done with it. 

If you're curious about something, do something about it, don't just sit there and ponder... MAKE THE MOVE. 

Man, this was surely longer than I expected it to be... I'm sure people have many many opinions on this and this was mine. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Moving On & Killing Assumptions

I've learned to let go of a lot of things and believe me, it wasn't easy. There are steps to doing this...well, at least for me there was. First I had to know what was really bothering me, what my source was, reasoning it, accepting it and then come to my own conclusions of why and move on. Although I think that forming your own opinions on something without having a true conversation about a problem can get tricky.

I think a discussion or just bringing things out in the open would be a better healing practice than just brushing things under the rug and "pretend" to move forward. I think you're doing a disservice to yourself and your growth if you don't fully talk about things that have bothered and haunted you for so many years. But, I know that sometimes this isn't possible and some people just don't like to talk about things so what happens to you then? This is where the "forming your own opinion" comes in. What else can you do right? Like I said, it's tricky...not so black and white. Everyone has their own way of coping, of accepting, so who are you to say if that person has moved on or not if it's not affecting your life, right? Whether you do it in a healthy way or not is totally on you. You are the keeper to your conscious and whether or not someone else has an opinion on that is just that...their opinion...some we treasure, some we care not for.

Assumptions are the worst thing you can do to someone, especially when you're wrong. I was talking to a friend who put it in the greatest way. She said, sometimes, people take snipits of your life and freeze them, they end up assuming who you are and who you'll be. Sometimes I'll have conversations with people and they'll make a comment about me in some way and I think... 'hmmm, is that how they've thought of me all this time? Shows how much they know me'. Do I go out of my way to prove anyone wrong? No, don't care too because how they form they're opinion of me has no effect on my life. I just think it's interesting when someone blurts something out and is insensitive about their assumptions, without truly knowing the facts.

I guess what I want to say is that, it's ok to talk about the past, make peace with it and know that deep down in your heart, you've already made peace with it. Now if you're always bringing it up, you're always harping on things then you haven't found moved on yet...and guess what...that's ok too because at some point you will. We are all different, we all heal differently, we all have different ways of dealing with things and that's OK. If you love someone, you will be understanding, you will be forgiving, YOU will not judge and be insensitive. Be supportive of someone who is not at peace because their time will come and don't assume that they haven't made their peace either. Assumption is the killer of relationships or your judgements and so you should kill it, right now.

And yes, some people never move on, never heal... but what can we do right? But take care of our own healing and our own process, our own growth. Evolution is an amazing thing! It makes us more sympathetic, more aware of people around us. You never stop learning... and when you do... you're just dead.