Friday, April 23, 2010

GoodBye Baby

I was thinking about being a victim when that 80s freestyle song popped in my head: Goodbye baby so goodbye, I know it won't be easy, cause you leave me, a Victim of Love, a Victim of Love.

And today, of all days, I've noticed that yes...I've been a victim of many things and it's not just the stolen side mirrors of my car, no, that's not quite it but a victim of many things that maybe one day I will tell you about. Once you've become a victim of something, it never leaves you. It's like a bad dream some days and others it's just tucked nicely away in the back of your mind. Every once in a while it'll make an appearance and shatter your soul but you learn to cope, brush things off and just move on. But other days, you feel it, the loneliness, the sadness...the unrelating feeling of immobility and then you're a victim all over again. You start pulling away, hiding in your own self haven shell and hope that this feeling will pass quicker than the other days you had to deal with. And the more you feel like you can cope...the more you're just fooling yourself because when the day comes that something goes wrong, your whole world just shatters.

For the most part, I think I'm a pretty strong person. I've survived a lot, things you can not imagine, things you may not comprehend and I don't think I would ever change that because its made me the person I am today. But...that comes with a price. With this strength, comes the balance of a greater weakness and a sadness that will never leave me. But the question is: Can you let it go?

It's become such a part of me that no matter what I do, how successful I want to become or how happy I may seem...this deep, dark sadness will always be with me, as a reminder that I am a survivor. My problem is dealing with situations that bring out the Victim in me. It's so easy for me at times to come out and say how I feel but that very certain moment that something happens, something that I can't really change, I become paralyzed, immobile...a vegetable. I become a victim all over's the ONE thing, I can't seem to control. What an awful awful feeling it is....

I wish I could just bring out this other person in me...the one that can stand up for herself when she should...the one that won't take the bullshit. There are some people that I am in awe of...when they talk about standing up for themselves, when they deal head on with the bullshit...purely in AWE and I can I become more like you?

I don't want to be someone else...I just want to be me but I feel I have been tainted forever, that the me I should've been died so many years ago and this person that's sitting in front of this computer is a person that I still need to know and she has so much to learn. When the moments are there...the world is against her, what could it possibly be that would make this life treat her the way it does, punch after punch after punch...after a start to fall...and it feels so good to just lie there, close your eyes and make this life not want you easy to just give soothing is a moment of peace.

But I can't just roll over and die...I can't let things beat me down, kill what's left of my mentality, my soul, my spirit...........I won't let them take it from me...but God! the feeling of sadness can be overwhelming...the feeling that you are not worth anything is powerful sometimes, sometimes.......................sometimes....

Yes, I am a survivor and giving up is not an option. I just have to deal with my momentary feeling of despair, the short term Victim, the person that's in hiding...

Just need to stop for a moment and get my head out of the sand...stop...listen....cope...continue. It's just a momentary thing...tomorrow I may just be the me, I was meant to be.