Monday, December 27, 2010

My Thoughts Expanded

I kept thinking about what I wrote in my last blog Losing My Religion. I wrote it fairly quickly so I feel a lot of it is rushed through but I sincerely feel that way. Maybe it's just the science in me...I don't know. When someone says: God made it that way... it makes me think; what if he really did? I have faith, don't get me wrong, I do. I believe there are things that cannot be explained, the feelings that spirituality brings into your life and that some souls can wander aimlessly not knowing they are dead...YES, I do believe.

I don't think you can have it both ways...God makes and then destroys... He's great and he's bad? I was, in a way, taught to fear HIM. I was told that if I didn't go to church he would punish me. I'm sure that wasn't the case...although now that I think about it, did she mean like I'll go to hell when I die if I don't go to church? Ouch mom... I joke. But I know that she just wanted me to go to church and so I did, for many years. I did the retreats, the church plays, choir, the youth groups and I even taught religious instructions...yes, ME...I was a teacher at the age of 16. I did it all and now here I am... churchless but still a believer in a power no one can describe and no one will ever be able to comprehend. I don't believe any man on earth can explain exactly what God can or cannot do... so this is where faith steps in... we need it for hope, to uplift, sometimes to help us understand why things happen, why a loved one has been taken from us....

Let me scratch that last statement... You CAN have it both ways... the good and the evil and you know why? Because everything on this earth needs to have a balance... one cannot survive without the other... think about it and you tell me if that's not true. Everything has a purpose, a meaning, whether we know of it or not... and for this, I find life incredible... right down to the structuring of our DNA, our bodies...our brain.

I don't knock anyone of their religious beliefs... I just don't believe you should put them on others unless it is asked of you. Wars have been fought over religion....the main thing that is supposed to keep us sane and humble, kind to others and compassionate....

God is my Zeus... an untouchable...

Like I said... something like faith and religion is unexplainable. I can only express my opinion on my feelings, what I see, read, hear... What is GOD to me? That's another blog, at another time....

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Losing My Religion

When I was 10 years old, I told my mother I no longer believed in God. My mother, being a devout Catholic, was really upset with me. I don't remember what brought me to that moment but I was angry at God and believed that he couldn't exist if I was so unhappy. My father, the man who would only step into a church to take pictures of weddings or baptisms, was the one that spoke to me, convinced me that there was a God and because of this, the man who had no faith, I believed once again.

In time though, I lost my way... not that I really mean it that way because what I had lost was a type of respect towards my church and eventually, I lost faith. I'm sure you ask in what way did I lose respect... it was the Catholic religion I lost faith in. As a woman, I felt no respect from them. No women were priests, no women served in mass and when I went to church after having my son out of wedlock, the nun I had high respect towards looked at me practically crossed eyed when I told her I was not married. So, if I had had an abortion I would've gone to the "life" and unmarried...hell again. Damned if I do, Damned if I do.

There was a time in my life that I found a spiritual growth in my I had never tapped into but I knew was always there... and frankly, I loved and embraced it. I was never good with rules, limitations and so feeling this new found spiritual reality was a breath of fresh air. In time, I ended up losing that too but slowly I'm bringing it back into my life and I started to realize a lot of things I hadn't realized before...comparisons and things that I believe now make some kind of sense to me.

What do I believe... Would you hate me if I said that I don't believe there is one God for everyone? I believe that we all have a type of "army" of angels, guides, protectors...put them all together and add get your God. I believe that the God is YOU. YOU are your own lord, your own salvation, your strength, your are your own powerful being. Everyone is their own majestic God. And I believe that these angels and guides and protectors have their one true being who can never be touched by a human...he is the ultimate umbrella of protection to those that protect you spiritually. When I hear someone say, 'I'll leave it in God's hands', you can't just role over and do nothing and feel like HE will come and save you or expect that he's going to intervene with something. You have the power to make the difference in your own life, you are the one that can change things and when things don't work out...that's when I believe that your army has a plan you may not understand at the moment but will reveal itself to you in time. I'm probably sounding like a crazed lunatic but I have more...

The Bible... I believe it's a book of moral stories, a book of 'teachers' guide to life, a type of proverbs to help you on your way to more happier life here on our living hell. I can't believe you can take the stories said in the bible as complete truths...I can't believe that Noah's Arc held that many animals or that Moses lived to be 300 years old...and if you really think about it, incest would be ok and men can have as many wives as he wants...think about that for a minute. There are lots of great stories in there that we can relate to and sometimes I feel like it's a book that already had predictions of the future or at least knows that not one person will go through things alone. One passage I like: God helps those who help themselves. You can't do anything in life if YOU don't make it happen...that's a fact and the faith and confidence you have in yourself is what makes you YOU. God created man in his own image...that would be YOU. I don't believe that the bible should hold a bunch of people hostage to making sure that they are good people and they will all go to heaven for following and if you don't follow it, you'll go to hell. I guess it's sort of right...if you don't take someone's good advice, you may end up regretting mistakes but isn't that what life is all about? Making mistakes and being able to learn from it without having a bunch of people judge you for it... The mistake is your hell...learning from it is your heaven.

I believe in energy, positive and negative. If you're in a church full of positive people, you thrive off of it...the same would be if you had those people in your house, or if you just surround yourself with happy people. The same goes for the negative... And when someone is in need of prayers... I don't like to say that I would pray for them, because I don't...I will however send positive energy and thoughts and maybe even chant or write up a spell to help those in need...for me, its the equivalent of praying.

I once saw on the news a woman talking about her house, which did not get hit by an airplane but her neighbors house did. She said that God was looking out for her that day.... apparently, God was too busy looking out for her that he must've forgot to look out for her neighbor... this bothered me. Did God really single out that woman...choose her life over someone else's??

I believe when things happen, it's part of a design...we all have a map and there are just some things we cannot change, so we end up trusting that these instances happen for a reason and we have to accept it, knowing that these events change us to become a better person or even a more sympathetic person. I can't explain violence... Sometimes I think that when there is a tragedy, it's like our own modern day Jesus. Someone has been sacrificed in order for us to realize that we have to make changes, create laws to protect the remind us that we must fight the evil that is around us all the time.

There's probably a lot more I can say but this has been a really long one for me...maybe a little to unorganized but hopefully I was able to express my views in an understandable way.

As for me and my life and my struggles...I've come to the realization that my 'army' is cleaning my slate and that these incidents happened for a reason. They're giving me a second chance...and I hope not to disappoint.

(I John 5:4) 4 For whatever is born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world: your faith.